Saturday I fly to the Bahamas… but not without these three intentions!
This Saturday, after taking my final exams for the semester, I fly to the Bahamas. I signed up for a week long retreat with Mikayla Jai (you can check her out here) after having an incredible experience with her in Greece this past summer.
Though the beaches and warm weather will be a definite perk, the real reason I’m going is to up-level my life. Similar to my Greece experience, Mikayla will be putting on workshops where we work through our limiting beliefs, get clear on what we want our lives to look like, and learn the steps to help us get there faster. In order to receive the most from this trip, I want to be intentional with the retreat. Outlined below, are my three intentions:
First off, I’m looking to find the role that God plays in my life. I have so many conflicting beliefs about God. Attending church and our campus’s chapter of Young Life for the past few months has not been enough to solidify God in my life. Yet I’m not ready to denounce God either. I don’t see him in everyday life and find the history of Christianity to be incredibly shaped by those in power and impossible to trust. However, I can’t help but feel a divine presence when talking about my car accident (which you can read about here) or snowmobiling through Colorado’s beautiful snow caps. I feel that there is something more waiting for us after we die. But I also believe in the power of tarot cards and feel more comfortable saying “the universe” than “God” when talking about the blessings I have been given. I feel that the term “universe” implies more free will and grants me power over my own life and happiness. Putting things in God’s hands seems like a bigger risk where I have less control in my life. These connotations are limiting beliefs I need to address. When talking about manifestation, I’m not sure how the law of attraction (which can, though doesn’t have to be, be used for selfish purposes) can go hand in hand with God’s existence. I’m seeing the two as mutually exclusive which is confusing. During this trip I would like to see how the two can interact with each other.
Next, I want to become excited about the future again. Currently, I am undergoing a shift in my major. After a year and a half spent studying biology and chemistry in hopes of becoming a surgeon, I’m switching to business administration. Every part of me body and soul and was clawing at the ground as I tried dragging it down the medical path. Though logically becoming a doctor, or a PA, makes sense, I know deep down that it is not for me. It’s as though medicine is a size 2 dress and I’m a size 6. If I really really try I’m sure I could manage to squeeze into it. But then I would be unhappy, struggling for breath, and seemingly stuck. When I looked deep inside of me this semester, deeper than I wanted to go, I found that I need a career option that allowed me to be creative, logical, and unique all at the same time. So now I have a future with a million different possibilities. During the workshops I want to determine what I want that future to look like so I keep heading in the right direction.
Lastly, I need a refresher in manifesting up-levels. I know that my next level self has a great relationship with money. She attracts meaningful relationships into her life. She does well in school and is in the best shape of her life. After going to Greece I made a bunch of progress in up-leveling my relationship with myself. I am confident and love myself inside and out. I have accepted my flaws. I take accountability for myself and have grown to be incredibly independent. This is all great, but I’m beginning to feel stuck. I need to reignite the personal development flame so I can tackle my other issues and manifest another up-level.
Those are my three intentions for my Bahamas trip. Stay tuned for my take aways/results from the trip as well as pictures from our ATV tour, beach outings, and villa!
Hugh Hefner. An icon who pushed the boundaries of free speech and reimagined the magazine industry. Playboy magazine was a product of its time. Liberation, civil rights and birth control being key political and cultural topics. The pornagraphy alongside meaningful articles and art was a reflection of the sexual revolution brewing.
What few people know is that Shel Silverstein (children’s poet) was employed as a cartoonist by Hefner at the inception of Playboy. Silverstein is well-known for his books A Light in the Attic, Where the Sidewalk Ends, The Giving Tree, and Falling Up, among others. For me, I grew up on his poems. “Ickle Me Tickle Me Pickle Me Too” may just be the first thing I ever memorized. It came as a shock when I stumbled across his promiscuous and cheeky early line of work. For my extended essay (an IB Diploma program requirement), I researched Silverstein’s involvement with Playboy and how it may have impacted his children’s poetry. From the topics written about to the narrative style, his experience at the magazine is utilized. In his poem “Love” he may as well have copied and pasted the formatting from a cartoon located in the August issue of Playboy, 1968. The artwork and wording (shown below) are of identical premises- the only difference being the intended audience. This is just one of many Playboy cartoonist experiences that Silverstein worked into his children’s poetry.
In a college interview I was asked: If you were given $1,000,000, what would you do with it? My answer was that I would make a film about the life of Shel Silverstein (focusing primarily on his start at Playboy and ending at his transition to successful poet). I think that his life is as interesting as Steve Jobs’ or Walt Disney’s. A key component to an accurate documentary, since Silverstein is dead, would be interviews with Hugh Hefner to find out an uncensored and first-hand account of working with Shel and the beginning of Playboy. It is extremely disappointing how little public information there is on their time together. Then, if given another million dollars, I would follow it up with a movie detailing Hefner’s life. How he founded an empire with $600 and a small loan from his mother. Following him through every success and failure as he built a brand and sold an image.
For me, Hugh Hefner’s death does not only mark the end of one icon. But two. Both stories (Hefner and Silverstein) deserve to be told as accurately and honestly as possible. They should be shared and recognized as significant contributors to American culture. It deeply saddens me that there is nothing more Hugh can say, but the question remains- how much more can be learned about these men now that they’re gone? How will we remember the stories that make up Hugh Hefner? And the lives that drempt up Playboy?
If this post is of interest to you, I highly recommend reading Playboy’s Around the World by Shel Silverstein. The book is a collection of Silverstein’s cartoons for Playboy as he traveled around the world. Each section is labeled with the magazine issue date the cartoons were originally published under. The linked text is free, but if you’re a hard copy kind of person you can also find the book on Amazon.
I have suffered from a disease of my own creation for far too long. It has been a voice in my head preventing me from becoming my best self. And I know I’m not alone. If you think you may experience some degree of feeling inadequate, keep reading! I am learning to successfully cope and free myself from the extra weight.
Jealousy or general anger towards specific individuals in your life (including friends and family)
Avoidance of social situations (thenregretting it later)
Fear of missing out
Inability to empathize with others
Feeling like an imposter when with friends
General unhappiness with self
Feeling like I could never be good enough followed me around like a 50 lbs shadow. I could pick it up and run with it at times, but eventually I grew tired from carrying around the extra weight. To prove I was smart enough I skipped a grade. To prove I was pretty enough I pursued modeling. To prove I was kind enough I volunteered. But despite my efforts I never felt smart/pretty/kind/anything enough. My scapegoat was my younger sister. I made her the face of my suffering. It was easy to point out every physical trait she possessed and demonize her for having what I so badly wanted. Assigning blame for the rejection of my reflection to someone else (making it situational) rather than focusing on myself (understanding it as personal) destroyed my relationship with my sister. I couldn’t bear the thought of her being so much better than me. Though our family was incredibly close and supportive of one another I distanced myself from her- at times dehumanized her even. It is a lot easier to be cruel to someone when they are too “perfect” to be human. Now that I’ve moved out of the house and worked on reassigning responsibility I realize how wrong I was- it wasn’t not my sister’s fault I was insecure! A new goal of mine is to mend my relationship with my her.
If you suffer from feeling like nothing you do is ever enough- take a look at your relationships. Is your personal conflict affecting how you treat others in your life? If so, the sooner you begin changing those interactions the sooner that relationship will become a positive resource for (rather than detractor from) your self-worth journey.
With my sister, 2017
Everyone feels inadequate at some point in their lives. As college students, we all start anew without a reputation- how does that effect how we feels about ourselves? Getting to decide how you will be perceived is a privilege us freshman have in our first few weeks of school. That privilege has many benefits, after all you can start over as exactly the person you want to be. However, the downside is feeling like a fraud who doesn’t really belong.
Consider this: a few hundred young adults- fresh out of the pubescent years of high school, most are sexually frustrated, without friends, and given the newfound freedom of living without parents (for those who aren’t commuters)- are thrown together and asked to create make-shift families for the next four years. The first month reminded me of cereal tinder dating. Every few hours you are sitting across a table from a new person trying to sell yourself as a worthwhile person while considering if they are also worth getting to know better. Sometimes you click, sometimes you don’t, sometimes you swipe left and don’t even waste time on the possibility of friendship. I committed a lot of time and energy in the first month to meeting people and trying to appear fun and adventurous. Now that things are settling down I can finally relax and feel comfortable with the most sustainable friendships.
Unsustainable friendships are with people who you have to continuously impress. If you have to prove you belong 24/7 ask yourself- do you actually belong? And is it worth the time/energy? Beginning to accept yourself is a lot easier when those around you love and accept you as well.
Being away from triggers helps a lot. For me that means being away from my family (who I want to prove myself to) is a really good thing! If you are still living at home and find your family to be trigger do your best to keep your mind occupied- get a job! Join a club! Go do homework at the park!
Be ok with being alone because that is when you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone else. You can be honest about who you are without the fear of being judged. If you can learn to be content spending time with yourself it becomes easier to relax when spending time with others. Become friends with yourself. Relationships may come and go but you have yourself forever.
how you love yourself
is how you teach others
to love you
– Rupi Kaur (Milk and Honey)
Surround yourself with good people who know your worth and won’t let you forget it. These people need to not only encourage you to be your best self, but accept you at your worst self.
Get inspired by bad ass women. Bad ass women don’t care what others think of them. They come to conquer their goals. When I need a motivational lift to be care free and awesome I look to:
Women in television: The Bold Type (on Freeform) is my top pick and was inspired by the real-life creator of Cosmopolitan Magazine, this show is about three women who don’t take ‘no’ for an answer.
Pinterest: may sound cheesy but you can find a lot of empowering quotes and article links about being your most bold self as a woman.
Spotify: Put together or look up a Bad Ass Chicks playlist. Put together songs that make you feel powerful. Bonus points if they’re by bad-ass women rockstars. (I added Joan Jett, Elle King, and Bishop Briggs)
Read read read read read and then read some more: Read self help books because they will help you get your life together (or at least feel like you’re getting your life together). Read fiction because the bigger the world seems and the more you can think about the worlds and lives of the characters the less important your own troubles will feel. Read non-fiction because you will learn something and get smarter. But overall, just read anything. It makes the grand scheme of things seem to big for self-pitying and never fails to make me feel better about myself. Also, the more you read the better your vocabulary will become and that leads to sounding… wait for it… well read!
Stop caring and give in when you’re tired of trying too hard. What I mean is if you are struggling to keep up an appearance just give it up and be yourself. You might find that people love you more for it. And if anyone doesn’t like you as yourself then you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life anyways. The minute I quit wearing makeup and realized no one but me even cared is when I stopped trying so hard. No one is perfect and if you are comfortable being real the people around you will be more likely to let their guards down as well. That moment you become completely vulnerable and are accepted anyways (or realize you deserve to be accepted) is vital for continuing the self-love journey.
Accept not everything is about you. If you remember one thing from this article- this is it! This tip has saved me time and time again from downhill spiraling. I read it in a college-life preparation book over the summer and have sworn by it ever since. The cure-all for when I feel like I’m not enough is to recognize that whatever the problem is, it isn’t about me personally. Overall, when you accept not everything is about you then the jealousy, social anxiety, and every other symptom listed in this article are minimized or go away completely!
Keep Good Company
Read a Lot
Listen to Music
I am a better person when I take the focus off of myself. I am able to empathize with others and be a better more thoughtful friend. Being able to get past my self-doubt has given me the opportunity to experience things I never would have dreamed of. By thinking of others instead of myself I can spontaneously join friends for a hike despite having no makeup on. I can sit back and laugh at somebody else’s joke without it meaning I am any less funny. Once the focus is not on yourself the whole world opens up with moments ready to be seen, heard, and felt.
Not every day is perfect. But most days are pretty good.
Still in the process of building friendships, it’s easy to feel inadequate. But I have to remind myself to not take anything too seriously. If I’m not being included my insecurities pop up. But I have the choice to curl up in a pool of self-pity or not dwell on it.
When I feel the most rejected and lonely I look to a stack of get-well-soon cards made by my kids (I was a summer camp counselor for 5-8 year olds). If they love me and think I’m cool then I really don’t care about anyone else’s opinions. I reccomend having a physical anchor for when you’re down. It could be a photograph, a person, a stuffed animal, you get the idea. Something to remind you how much you mean to someone else.
And one morning you may wake up realizing you truly love yourself most of the time. That’s the goal. Take your time building the relationship with yourself. You have the rest of your life. Don’t rush it, but build new habits and gradually change your way of thinking. A new paradigm is possible. You are worth the effort ❤
If you read part one of this post you will know that I saw Harry Styles on Sept. 20th at the Greek Theatre. The plan was very loose and not the best to be honest. Here’s how the day went down:
Chemistry was skipped and my suite mate dropped me off at the nearest train station. I was in LA by noon and recognized I had a while before needing to be at the theatre. Across the street from union station I found the Museum of Social Justice and decided to take a few minutes to walk through. HUGO CROSTHWAITE: IN MEMORIAM LOS ANGELES was the sole exhibit. It was interesting to watch Crosthwaite as he painted the mural across the museum walls. Another visitor spoke with him about the meaning behind the art.
Next, I planned to walk the 6+ miles to Griffith park… I made it about 100 ft! The Apple Maps directions took me from a cultural celebration at Paseo de la Plaza to sketchy alleyways very quickly. I decided to get a Lyft rather than make the walk. Once to Griffith Park I considered visiting the observatory but upon hearing a sound check I decided to meet other Harry fans and be first in line instead.
From 1:00-6:30 I waited in line with my new friends Ryan and Amy. We set up by the merch stand and were able to buy all our Harry gear before it got busy. If you’re familiar with his merchandise I bought the pink sweater, tour shirt, Treat People with Kindness shirt, and journal. My bank account cried a little bit after the splurge… totally worth it though. Around 3pm Lou Teasdale (1D and Harry’s hair stylist) stood beside us before being let into the venue.
Hour by hour the line grew until I could no longer see the end from where I stood. It was so fun seeing how each girl dressed for the show. My personal favorite look was a see-through black mesh shirt with large sequin kiwi (get it? Like his song?) pasties underneath.
Finally 6:30 arrived and we were able to go through the gates. It was a bit difficult being so far away from the stage (I’ve grown somewhat accustomed to mosh pits at the lip of the stage) but the position was definitely not bad. The three girls to my left were also at the show alone and we enjoyed getting to know each other better. I learned Kate went on tour with LMFAO as their creative director (designing their clothes and merchandise line), Elaine is an actress in the midst of moving to LA, and Stephanie is a pre-med freshman like myself. During the show I consistently turned to Leah on my right (there with her mom as a birthday present) and we would just smile harder than we had ever smiled before.
Giant Harry head? Yes please.
The view from my seat
Stephanie from our seats
Ryan from the line
If you have ever had the opportunity to see Harry live then you know just how sweet, funny, and crazy Harry gets. He will be a giggling cupcake one moment and a sex god the next. It’s enough to give a girl emotional whiplash! Some of my favorite moments were
Finding out the members of MUNA are good friends and wrote “Winter Break” in a dorm room.
Harry asking people to watch him and not the view. Because he will be sad if you don’t watch him.
Harry telling the audience he’s having their baby.
Harry stoping the band in the middle of Kiwi and requesting the audience dance more.
Harry calling us fans his best friends.
Harry pointing out the awesome Dad at the front of the mosh pit.
The new arrangement of What Makes You Beautiful.
Harry waving around the rainbow flag with so much pride and confidence.
Harry calling his 1D bandmates his good friends.
Dark Harry slipping out as he aggressively soaked the mosh pit with his water bottle. Also how far he was able to throw the empty bottle afterwards.
The mic stand repeatedly failing to hold up the mic even after a crew member tried fixing it.
Harry honestly explaining he simply didn’t have any more songs to perform even if he wanted to.
Finding out Niall was watching the performance in the sound booth.
After the show I found the tour bus and waited with some other fans until we were eventually kicked out by the park officers since Griffith Park had technically closed for the night. Overall, Sept. 20th 2017 was everything I could have hoped for. Harry was the same sweetheart I remember seeing at the 1D concerts- just with nicer suits!
It’s the night before Harry Styles Live on Tour in LA at the Greek Theatre. I have done my homework- scoped out the venue, decided on an outfit, purchase my train/concert ticket and printed a map of LA. It seems like I have my ducks in a row. Below is where I figure my seat might be (Seat L-17 section B).
Some background: I am an out-of-state college student with no car. I don’t know anyone else going to the concert. I posted flyers (see below) to my social media accounts and around campus a week ago to hopefully get a ride to and from the venue. Unfortunately, the only responder lives nowhere near my school (thanks anyways @jessicasierra4l !).
The plan for tomorrow:
Skip chemistry class to catch the 11am Amtrak
Relax for the ride to Union Station in LA
Walk around 2.5 hours (6.2+ miles) to Griffith Park
Explore the area during the walk (possibly go through China Town?)
Spend time at the park and visit Griffith Observatory
Find cheap dinner nearby
Get in line early at the Greek Theatre
ENJOY THE SHOW
Walk away from the heavy traffic leaving the concert
Call an Uber of Lyft home
It is a very loose plan- I realize that! I have included plenty of extra time incase something goes wrong (perhaps I will get lost or the train will be delayed). But fingers crossed that everything goes right! I would never make this type of trip on my own- my mother would kill me for walking through LA by myself, but Harry Styles is definitely worth it. And if things get sketchy I can always call a cab.